No Apologies. No Excuses. Go.

"Let the beauty we love be what we do." -- Rumi;

This is a blog where I will publish my poems, black out poetry, stories art projects, cooking experiments, yoga practices and basically anything I am passionate about.

(Source: vegan-yums)

I have arrived.

California is here. I made it. Basically, in order to make it to today, my whole life had to be upended. I graduated, my hedgehog Oliver became terminally ill, I broke up with my boyfriend of over 5 years and then I packed up all my stuff, moved out of my apartment, sent 80% of it home, packed a suitcase and got on a plane to Big Sur for over a month of work, art, and healing. Here we go. Take a deep breath and jump.

Things I do when I am sad and tired:

-Listen to the same songs on repeat
-Forever
-Just over and over
-And over and over again.
-forget how to eat like a functional person
-sleep a lot
-wake up feeling like I haven’t slept
-worry
-drink a lot of tea
-forget to eat
-forget responsibilities
-keep listening to the same songs on repeat

I guess this is what recovery feels like. Strawberry lemonade crepes at Neighborhoods and a large soy chai in the sunshine; taking stock.

Today is not going how I though it would go. I have texted my boyfriend asking if I can talk to him when he gets home. Looks like he won’t get home till like 9 and I can’t back out now. I don’t like this…

On leaving

I leave for Esalen on Friday morning and to be honest, I am so thankful that I made this happen because if I wasn’t leaving I have no idea what I would do. This month… Well this year has been a giant challenge and the fact that I have lived and am now celebrating that by going to California to this beautiful place to heal, teach poetry, meet people, and work for two months is basically the best thing ever. Anyways, on Friday I am going to start another 30/30 because I think documenting the next month or so is going to be really important. It will be a month of recovery, healing, loving myself, and learning. Thank the gods for summer.

On another note, I need music to bring with me and listen to on the plane. Any suggestions?

All my love

Over the past week I fell off the poem a day bandwagon. It will start up again because when I am in Esalen I am definitely going to need it. But right now here is a recap if the past few days. I graduated! That’s cool… And scary. The next day I slept terribly, full of sad dreams so I woke up feeling exhausted and sad. I walked through the beautiful Mount Auburn Cemetery with my family. That was gorgeous and helped remind me to breathe. I got home and hung out with my derpy cat Pepper. This morning I woke up feeling a little less sad and scared so I decided I deserved to be treated to a delicious vegan breakfast feast, chia pudding with blueberries, banana, cinnamon, nutmeg, black Hawaiian salt, and agave nectar, avocado toast, black tea with coconut milk, and carrot orange apple grapefruit ginger juice. Today will be slow, loving, and full of deep breaths and resting. Keep going.

Had sad dreams all night…

Woke up exhausted and sad. Weird.

Graduation day!!

“There is a plane ticket
with my name on it. There is a
good book waiting
for me to get lost in. There
is a town I have yet to see. I am waiting, holding
myself back. Because my dreams
are just around the corner. My dreams
are so much bigger than everything
that keeps me drowning today. I know
I have to live through all this shit
because there is a day with friends, a
plane ride, good books, an ocean I will live by
for weeks and life today, will only last
a few more weeks.”

—   Lillian Grace— 37/60: Today